Moody Day

12 Jul

I guess the medication is starting to effect me again…even at the lowest dosage.  Today I feel pretty sad and depressed.  On top of that I am angry…very, very angry…and it all stems from feeling worthless.  I have had  problems my whole life with feeling worthy.  Situations that otherwise wouldn’t have even bothered me one iota have turned in to a feeling of utter doom.  Anyone have a clue what I’m talking about?  Anywho, I am trying to state positive intentions in my head over and over and reassure myself.

Positive thoughts. Hmmm.  That is a common phrase I’ve been hearing since being diagnosed.  “Stay positive! ” “Your attitude really plays a role.”  *sigh*  This I know.  But, you know what?  Most of the time I don’t even “think” about my MS.  I don’t wallow in fear or anger or negativity about getting this disease.  It is what it is.  I only think about it when I write this blog or I have to think about it such as when I’m at a doctor’s appointment or when someone asks me how I’m feeling.  If someone asks me, I’m probably going to tell you what you don’t want to hear and it will come across as negative.  You know why?  Because that is how I feel and I’m not going to lie to you and say I’m feeling great.   I think people expect the lies though.  I’ve dumbfounded so many people when I tell them like it is and they get a loss for words.  Or they try to relate it to something in their own life.  *sigh*   I do appreciate their concern….if I feel it is genuine that is….but I don’t react like any ‘normal’ person so you will be disappointed.

There are many other things in my life that may be causing me to be negative.  It’s not like I’m negative all the time.  Oh wait, maybe I have been since being on this medication as it is royally screwing with my body.  Everyone….everyone….has stresses in their life.  Sometimes you will feel like everything is going wrong but other times you think life is going just great.

God dishes out what we can handle.  I must be a extremely strong person.  LOL!



Posted by on July 12, 2012 in Life, Multiple Sclerosis


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5 responses to “Moody Day

  1. Glenn Horowitz

    July 12, 2012 at 10:53 am

    I advise forgetting the cliches and platitudes. They quickly took on a hollowness and superficial quality for me, and are what well-meaning healthy people tend to spout at you to make THEMSELVES feel better.

    Being honest in your appraisal of your feelings is a very good start and marks you as a non-lemming. As a bit of time passes you’ll become proficient in sorting out which is the real you talking and which is the negative part that’s hurting or screwed up from the meds.

    I certainly can relate to feelings of worthlessness or uselessness…remember I was an aircraft commander for twenty years when the MonSter got me, and it became clear within a year that I wasn’t going to be able to return to that. I DID feel useless for a long time and had resigned myself to that, but when I realized I was going to have to write a lot to appeal to the world and explain myself in my blog, I began to see glimmers of hope when I began getting feedback from putting my thoughts into text.

    I only really became convinced that I still had much to contribute once I began writing for publication. It’s turned into a whole new avocation for me, and my days of feeling useless are (mostly) behind me. That was just my experience, yours will likely be different.

    I think your most productive results will come as you take stock of who and what you are, what you still CAN do well, what’s so-so for you and what you realistically can no longer do. It won’t happen overnight, but I bet if you take the time to explore different avenues it’ll build a more solid basis for feeling truly useful.

  2. Mountain Missy

    July 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    You are an amazingly strong person and you can overcome this. Surround yourself with positivity and the light will shine through…sometimes later rather than sooner but keep hope and this too shall pass. 🙂 Best of luck.

  3. mymslifeandi

    July 16, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Positivity is the antidote to the feelings that cause depression. It is an overstated cliche’ “Stay Positive”, and it’s true. An example: You are feeling a bit weary one day, or are operating at 50%, for whatever reason.

    Friend: “How are you feeling today? You don’t look yourself?”

    You: “Well I’ve had better days, got this killer headdache, and I feel like I should have slept 4 more hours last night! AND (insert positive statement here to finish your thought) e.g. a) and I just finished a good book, b) I have plans to take my kids to the park later, c) overall I’m exercising more and eating better because I’ve read that it can only help . . . .

    You clearly let them know that the MS and/or treatment has you feeling less than (you’re telling the truth) then you end on a positive telling your friend, and MOST IMPORTANTLY telling yourself that you are not intending to lay down an be defeated. You have a forward looking positive attitude, that whether you believe it 100% or not at the time, your friend takes away that you are brave and proactive, and SO DO YOU, even if it’s just a if you only believe you statements 25%.

    It’s a challenge that we have to meet every day you are feeling depressed or less than. Glenn’s ability to replace his old sense of worth (aircraft commander) and finding a replacement for it (writing) that rebuild his confidence; is something you should focus on.

    Here is my life long positive statement that I say to myself, and to others all the time.

    “I was diagnosed with MS in 2001, and it’s not THAT bad. At least I don’t have Cancer!”

    That always makes me feel fortunate to not be dealing with a deadly, expensive, disease; and it puts my suffering in perspective and tells people I still feel blessed.

    All the best to your health!

    • annafiskthinking

      July 19, 2012 at 12:58 am

      It could be worse eh? THATs the response your going with? LOL

      • mymslifeandi

        July 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

        Yup, it can ALWAYS be worse. I choose to count my blessings. 🙂


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