Today I’m down in the dumps. I’m sad and depressed and not liking myself at all. Oh woe is me pity party please. (ha ha). But seriously, I just am not liking myself. I’ve been so stressed out for well over a year (more like two years or 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and you get the idea). I try to show a brave face and let things just slide off my back. But, I’m not doing very well. All you have to do is look at me. I’ve been eating non-stop (that seems to be what I gravitate towards. It is my bad habit. I don’t drink or do drugs. I eat.) and I’ve gained so much weight. I know this and I know I really should do something about it and I feel miserable and hate myself all the time. Add all that on top of dealing with this diagnosis and how it affects me just really really sucks. I don’t reach out to anyone for support because that is not my style. I’m not a person that honestly even wants any type of sympathy because I will not ever feel like it was given with anything other than pity. I also don’t trust anymore. I don’t trust people. An old dog can learn new tricks and they are learned by the experiences that shape that old dog. What did I learn? Not to trust. I have walls miles thick around me. They were built to protect myself. *sigh*
So today is just one of those days I feel down. I want to change who I am but I am the person I’m meant to be in this world at this time. I strive for that day when I am the person I dream of instead. I don’t want this dream just because other people want me to or expects me to. (In fact I get really pissed and annoyed if others mention something I should be doing.) I don’t want to do it for anyone other than myself. Some day something will click inside me and I will finally turn that corner to making my dream me into reality. I just hope it comes sooner than later because this phase of my life has lasted way too long. Decades in fact. It’s annoying and getting very old. The drudgery of it. Ugh it is so sickening.
I write this blog post just to vent and let it out in some manner and some way. I can’t, won’t and will never speak it out loud to another soul. This is my voice.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Or even maybe in another minute, hour, couple of hours I will not be so down in the dumps. But, hey, we all have these moments. It is part of life.